Building relationships and appreciation
A listening-focussed approach to a conversation signalises counterparts that I take them and their view of things seriously, that I am truly engaged in the subject matter. It therefore indirectly expresses, i.e. without words: “What you are saying is important to me. I am seriously considering your way of seeing things.” It’s a form of clearly expressed appreciation and has a positive impact on the relationship in this conversation.
Tit-for-tat
By the same token, this appreciation reflects back upon me. If I genuinely and attentively listen, my conversation partner’s readiness to take my view of things and my arguments seriously, in other words listen to me, increases significantly. Particularly in ‘critical’ conversations it’s, therefore, important not only to present your own views and positions but, through listening, to get a proper insight into the other side’s perspective and also bring this across clearly.
Realistic assessment of the situation
As a manager you’re not necessarily always right in the middle of things, there where the actual business takes place. Listening makes it possible to get a picture of what’s actually happening at a suitable moment, thereby giving you the possibility to make a realistic assessment of the situation. Many wrong decisions are the outcome of hasty decision-making or ignorance of one’s own staff.
Broadening your perspective
Only through listening can you discover things you didn’t know before or previously saw differently. Use your counterpart to gain new perspectives on a specific matter, to broaden and develop your own perspective. In order to solve problems appropriately the circumstances and causes must be clear. Listening allows you to question your own view of things and examine your assumptions. If you’d like to develop long-term and sustainable solutions for improvement with your counterpart in a discussion, this will best be achieved when you’ve learnt to change and broaden your perspective actively and consciously.
Background knowledge to support arguments
If you would like to have the opportunity to convince someone of something or to motivate them to do something, you need to be able to understand them. What’s important to them? What are they thinking? What stops them from doing certain things or not doing them? Only once you’ve discovered this will you find convincing arguments and trigger an effect. I don’t convince people with my favourite arguments, i.e. reasons which are particularly important and logical to me, but with reasons which are relevant and comprehensible for the other person. When listening you get a feel for how the other person ‘ticks’ and how you can best approach your argumentation.
Listening – what matters most?
Presumably you know how it feels when you’re really listening to somebody or how it feels when someone is listening attentively and with interest to you. You can’t do anything else at the same time, such as reading emails, looking through files or staring out of the window, if you want to understand someone who thinks and feels completely differently to you or signalise your esteem through attentive listening. It may actually be possible for you to listen and perform other tasks on the side, but you can’t give your counterpart the feeling that you’re really listening. Your absent-mindedness may irritate, upset or antagonise your counterpart. Further, you may miss important information which you can pick up through the other person’s body language.
Active listening, as a concentrated form of attentiveness, can be achieved by making a point to completely engage with the other person, their view of things and their perceptions and experiences during the listening phases of a conversation.
If you realise that your mind isn’t free enough to allow you to concentrate on the person or the conversation because too many other thoughts are going through your mind or you’re short of time, then you’ll postpone the conversation: “Mrs Smith, the topic is a little more complex than I thought. I’d like to take more time to discuss it and make an appointment with you for this.” or “Mr Miller, I have so many other things on my mind at the moment. I’d like to take the time to talk to you about it when things have quietened down. Let’s make another appointment to discuss it….“
When you accept and use active listening as an important element in professional conversations, you’ll realise that many of your conversations will gain depth, lead to better understanding and become more satisfying for both sides, not only in terms of content but also on a personal level.
Outward signs of active listening
• You maintain eye contact
• You are facing the other person
• Your face is relaxed and interested
• You give listening signals, such as nodding, and acoustic signs like “hm”, “oh, I see”, short paraphrases
• Your reactions are appropriate to the subject matter and you don’t introduce your own story into the conversation
• You ask questions in order to understand
• You signalise understanding and, where appropriate, mirror emotions (“Okay, you were angry that ...”)
Inner signs of active listening
• You acknowledge the viewpoint of the other person, even if you may think or feel completely differently – you allow the person to be different and think or feel differently
• You want to understand
• You not only recognise the subject matter but also potential emotions (How does he/she feel about it?)
• You are mindful of your own feelings about what is being said (What does that trigger in me?)
• You try not to mix yours and your counterpart’s.
Author: Anja von Kanitz
